It’s time for the B***end D’Or & there can be only one winner – our lily-livered Chancellor who hung workers out to dry

Comment now Next MESDAMES et Messieurs. Meine Damen und Herren. Ladies and Gentlemen. Welcome to a resplendent London ­Palladium for the 2026 Bellend d’Or ceremony, where we come together to dishonour modern Britain’s uttermost wazzbags. Advertisement Advertisement 7 Congratulations to John Healey, the winner of the 2026 Bellend d’Or award 7 The Chancellor’s Budget failed to address the foremost issue troubling us all, namely benefits ­spending Credit: Shutterstock Editorial This is the first time the ceremony has been held in our capital so it’s a perfect opportunity to showcase our nation’s class and organisational skills to millions.

So, special mention must go to the masked miscreant — all in black, naturally — who scaled the Tudor facade of the Grade II listed ­Liberty storefront opposite the venue just now, snapping off a precious carved wooden head in the process as the world watched. Now that is bellendery on a scale not witnessed since peak Boris Johnson , and this blackguard is therefore awarded the Bellend d’Or, Young Talent Of The Year. If only our pre-eminent Poet Laureate, John Betjeman, was still with us today to conjure in verse such a compelling image of modern Britain.

And the warmest of welcomes must also be extended to our Mayor, Lord Sadiq Aman Khan , Baron Khan of Tooting. The first to arrive here, he sensibly left City Hall five hours ago after being warned about congestion on this, the very day he decided to bring in his hair-brained scheme to pedestrianise Oxford Street just feet away. Genius. When I say pedestrianise, I of course must exclude the hundreds of balaclava-clad electric bike warriors and smartphone snatchers who continue to ­terrorise our once-wondrous shopping jewel while reaching speeds of 73mph.

With a risk of facing the wrath of Khan, he is therefore the proud recipient of the ­Bellend d’Or Manager award. Advertisement Advertisement And so to the runners and riders for the much-coveted main prize: 2026 has certainly been a momentous year for the ­bellend, perhaps the widest field in recent memory. Nominees include beautiful-game ­vandal Sheikh Mansour and cemetery-toothed oddball green ’un Zack Polanski , most certainly. Defo in for a shout is super-smug reformist Robert Generic, vying with the sunburnt space hopper across the Pond.

Naturally, regal duo Harry and Andrew M-W have lent new meaning to the term and earned bellendery a royal seal. But, in Budget week, the 2026 Bellend d’Or can only be awarded to the turtle-headed gherkin-muncher that is Chancellor John Healey . At the first sign of trouble, chelonians — the scientific name for all tortoises, terrapins and turtles — pull their shrivelled, hairless domes into their shells for a complete retreat from duty or challenge.

The reptilians’ lily-livered lookalike did the same in Wednesday’s nothing-to-see-here Budget-that-never-was. The Dutch invented a word for it. ­Niksen is the intentional practice of doing nothing or performing an action without purpose or intention, of being idle ­without a goal or expectation. 7 Mayor of London Sadiq Khan added to traffic confusion in London by pedestrianising Oxford Street Credit: PA 7 Green Party leader Zack Polanski has earned his place in this rogue’s gallery Credit: Shutterstock Editorial Advertisement The British public were crying out for Gordon Brown and all we got was Gordon The Gopher.

Steady as she goes when the country is in crisis, facing the prospect of war and being crippled by the benefits bill. He and his Government unforgivably dodged welfare reform because they didn’t want to irk the shirkers who will vote for them. The workers of this country are being defrauded , and it is a dereliction of duty to not address the foremost issue troubling us all, namely benefits ­spending — forecast to soar from an eyeball-watering £353billion this year to a ­peeper- popping £431billion by 2032.

A shuddering prospect — even 51 per cent of more sensible Labour supporters believe such profligacy is unsustainable. Britain in 2026 is less about Left versus Right and more about workers vs non-workers. I cannot be the only one who seethes as I walk around town centres across Britain, the smell of weed hanging heavy in the air with swathes of working-age malingerers loafing around doing eff all. As I reluctantly stump up for my preposterous energy bills and fill out another crippling tax return, I think of those grifters laughing in our faces.

But now also of the audacity of a smirking John Healey downing a ­Chancellor’s Choice beer in one go in a Westminster boozer, celebrating a Budget which put 2p on a pint and did nothing to improve anything for anyone like you and me. That’s why there can be no other ­winner of the Bellend d’Or 2026. Advertisement PM’S FLAW AND ORDER 7 PM Andy Burnham continues to pursue trivial policies like cracking down on playing loud music on public transport Credit: Alamy OUR Andeh stands accused of fiddling while the Eternal City burns with his continuous announcements on unenforceable and peculiar trivialities such as cracking down on “loudcasting” on public transport .

Perhaps such minutia does help make our lives a little more pleasant, and these baby Burnham building blocks may gradually help construct his utopian dream of peaceful peregrination, warm ale and superlative snackery. But here are some proposals he might want to adopt pronto to enhance our existence and achieve Our Andeh’s Arcadian vision: Prosecution of cling film ­manufacturers whose products do not conform to rigorous wrinkle-free standards.

Strict tightness limit for Lycra to remove any danger of accidentally catching a glimpse of a camel toe or a cyclist’s crushed baby budgie. Mandatory working from home day for employees who get a zit on their face overnight. Brown sauce available on every UK restaurant table alongside ketchup. Illegal for manufacturers to supply Sellotape where it is tricky to find the end. Every drink served in a pub must come with a free snack bowl containing a minimum of eight pork scratchings or Scampi Fries.

Blu Tack must be sold in the colour blue only. A ban on pineapple as a pizza topping. Bread roll to be renamed barm cake. The National Anthem to be replaced by The Smiths’ The Queen Is Dead. Every little helps. ANYONE remember that chap Keir Starmer ? He was spotted in a North London pub near me the other day – a haunted hostelry believed to be the birthplace of highwayman Dick Turpin. I popped in there for a post-dog-walk ale this week myself.

A pint of Guinness ? £8.40. A daylight robbery of which Dick himself would be proud. MAXXING has been named 2026 Word Of The Year by some herberts at dictionary.com. Shuuut-uuup. Apparently there’s veg-maxxing, hobby-maxxing, poop-maxxing, pheromone-maxxing, looks-maxxing, fertility-maxxing, moderation-maxxing, cozy-maxxing . . . the tedious list goes on. Advertisement Frankly, I’m finding all this maxxing a little taxxing and, like my credit card, I’m already maxxed out.

FEARLESS MADONNA IS A LIGHT ENTERTAINER 7 Madonna posed with one of her scented candles placed precariously placed between her legs Credit: Instagram/@madonna STRIKE a light, Madonna has only gone and launched a range of calming candles – at the age of 68. The Queen Of Pop has named the scents after some of her songs including Like A Prayer, which apparently honks of “wood, smoke and”, er, “sheer magnetism”. Well, that’s what it says here.

In typical style, Madge posed with one of the burning candles precariously placed between her legs which were akimbo – something to which she is not unaccustomed. Flirting with such danger at home is certainly not recommended. Nobody wants hot wax getting Into The Groove and singeing that Material, Girl. FOUR’S EXTRA SMALL 7 The BBC has used taxpayer cash to set up a spin-off to 6 Music that should not have been needed Credit: Getty BBC Three and Radio 4 Extra will close in early 2027 due to budget restraints, according to the paedo-shielders at Broadcasting House.

Don’t let the cushioned studio door hit you on the way out. Let’s face it, more people go to watch Bournemouth play on Saturdays than consume such niche stations, mandatorily funded by you and I, of course. Yet shortly prior to those cutbacks, the Beeb announced the launch of a new 6 Music sister station: Radio 6 Indie Forever. Advertisement Granted, it plays some decent choons for those of a certain age and persuasion – but wasn’t this exactly what the original 6 Music was set up to do in the first place?

In 2010, 6 was saved following an outcry from a tasteful public desperate to preserve this haven of alternative music, with wiz hosts such as Pulp’s Jarvis Cocker, Elbow’s Guy Garvey and Lauren Laverne. Alas, since then, its controllers have decreed that the flagship must deviate from its course, perhaps sailing into wokier waters and chasing more youthful passengers – already very well catered for elsewhere on HMS Beeb, by the way. The BBC has essentially used licence-payers’ cash to set up a spin-off to fulfil exactly the same role as the original.

Make it make sense.