Store food for the apocalypse? We can’t minister, and it’s YOUR fault. Anyway, my plan is way more fun

1 comment 1 Next DAME Eagle, the minister in charge of farming, the countryside, soil, trees, worms, ponds, nature and the environment, has issued a grim warning. She reckons that with all the uncertainty in the world, it’s time to get prepping. Advertisement Advertisement 10 Brits have been told to prepare for the forthcoming ­apocalypse – but there is a slight problem Credit: Getty 10 Labour’s Dame Angela Eagle wants us to stockpile food for the apocalypse — despite doing everything she can to stop farmers growing it Credit: EPA Here’s what she said: “If you’ve got a store of a bit of food that can keep you going for a while before the emergency services can get to you, you’re going to be a lot better off than if you haven’t.” I actually think this is quite funny. Because here we have someone who is doing absolutely everything in her power to stop farmers growing food , then telling everyone that they need to stock up . . . on food. Some people, however, do not find this funny and are getting on with it. We read this week about a former No 10 speechwriter called Clare Foges, who has prepared for the forthcoming ­ apocalypse by buying provisions — so that she’s ready for the wave or the blast or the zombies or whatever it is that’s coming our way. And she’s storing them in her garden shed. Garden shed??!?! It’s not exactly the seed bank in Svalbard is it? What exactly does she think is going to happen when her neighbours , who didn’t prepare and are getting desperate, decide to help themselves to her supplies? Advertisement Advertisement 10 Former No10 speechwriter Clare Foges has stocked up on chickpeas and kidney beans in readiness for the apocalypse, but Jeremy would rather be irradiated than put either of those in his mouth Credit: Times Newspapers Ltd 10 When the apocalypse comes, forget the chickpeas and probiotic supplements — it’s time for foie gras and a nice Chateau La Tour “Oh no,” they will wail. “Her shed’s got a £2.99 lock from B&Q. That’s stumped us. So sorry kids. I’m afraid we’ll have to eat the dog.” And there’s another problem with Ms Foges’ plan, because so far as I can tell, what she has mostly stocked up on are chickpeas and kidney beans. And frankly, I’d rather be irradiated than put either of those things in my mouth. When things are rosy, it’s fine to be a teetotal Fairtrade vegan. But if the end is nigh, and you are hunkered down in your flimsy shed, waiting for the cruel hand of death to arrive, surely to God it’s OK to say, “F*** this for a game of soldiers” and fill your face with some foie gras. Which you can wash down with a nice Château Latour. Back in the Sixties, at the height of the Cold War, I used to stay with my parents at a pub called The Punch Bowl in the Yorkshire Dales. It was run by a doctor who’d been struck off for alcoholism and one night, I asked him to explain the futuristic-looking box on his hall windowsill. Advertisement “Ah,” he said. “That’s linked to the early warning station at RAF Fylingdales and if it beeps, I have four minutes to get round all the farms in the dale, telling the farmers to bring their sheep in.” I pointed out this might not be possible in four minutes and he agreed, saying, “That’s why, if it ever goes off, I shall take whoever’s at the bar into my wine cellar and we’ll drink the lot.” I’m inclined to think this is the right attitude. So, if things do get ugly, I won’t be in a shed with some seeds, nuts and probiotic supplements. I will be in my brewery with a hamper from Fortnum’s and a big, daft grin on my face. Banish all thoughts that Traitors is racist 10 David Olusoga Credit: BBC 10 Nick Mohammed Credit: PA SURE enough, Celebrity Traitors has been branded racist because – oh I don’t know – because some silly little hothead on Twitter says it is. Well now look, whoever you are, in the last series, three of the five final contestants were from ethnic minority backgrounds: Nick Mohammed , Cat Burns and David Olusoga . Sure, it was won by Alan Carr , who’s white. But what’s the betting that if he had fallen at the final hurdle, someone on social media would have claimed the show was homophobic? Advertisement 10 Cat Burns Credit: PA 10 Would Celebrity Traitors have been branded homophobic if Alan Carr has fallen at the final hurdle? Credit: Getty Job to have faith 10 Kashim Chowdhury allegedly held five full-time Government jobs worth £350,000 over three years — a 183-hour working week, and somehow none of his bosses noticed Credit: PA A COURT was told this week that a man called Kashim Chowdhury had five full-time jobs with various government departments , which netted him £350,000 in total over three years. Sounds great, but to do all those jobs , he would have to work a 183-hour week. Which is impossible. So, he was allegedly taking on jobs even though he knew he couldn’t do them . . . and his bosses didn’t even notice. Can you imagine a boss in the private sector not noticing that someone who they just took on to work in a nail salon was also employed full-time at the local petrol station, pet shop, supermarket and estate agency. That’s how crap the Government is said to be. And Councillor Burnham wants to put it in charge of our energy , transport and water. Advertisement Give me strength. WHEN I heard that someone had been mauled to death at a zoo in Doncaster , my first thought was, “Oooh. That’s not a nice way to go.” My second was, “And because he has a family, I shall definitely not be writing about the incident in The Sun this week.” But then along came Donald Trump . Now I know he puts his foot in it on an almost daily basis, but to upload some AI footage of him successfully wrestling a tiger is beyond the pale. It’s sick. Shame, me old China 10 Europe’s car makers are fighting back against Chinese rivals with retro-inspired models — because the Chinese have no motoring history to raid beyond a bicycle and an ox Credit: Citroen FOR the past 20 years, Europe’s mainstream car makers have merrily churned out a never- ending stream of boring grey boxes, until one day there was a problem. The Chinese started making boring grey boxes as well. And they were better at it. What’s more, most of their boring grey boxes were electrical, which suited the mood of the moment. It really did seem that the likes of Peugeot , Renault , Fiat and Volkswagen were numbered. Advertisement But at the Paris motor show this week, they fought back by launching a raft of retro cars that hark back to their famous models of yesteryear. So we got a new, electro-funky version of the Citroen 2CV and ultra-modern takes on the Alpine, the Renault Twingo, the Peugeot 205 T16 rally car and various small Fiats. This is a brilliant move because it’s something the Chinese can’t do. If they went back in their archives for inspiration, all they would find is a bicycle and an ox. NORFOLK County Council has refused to give a local amputee a blue badge, saying that even though he only has one leg, he could still run a marathon. Don’t worry, mate. I have an idea. Tell them you need the sticker because you have ADHD . That way, I can guarantee you’d get not only the badge but also a nice free car to put it on. French dodge the din I LEARNED this week that many new cars are not provided with a radio as standard. I guess the car makers think that if we can plug our iPhones into a socket on the dash, that’ll do. Advertisement Well the French government has decided it won’t, and are now insisting that all cars, by law, must have a radio . They reckon that if there’s some kind of catastrophe – and in France at the moment, that’s a very real possibility – everyone must be able to receive instructions about what to do. Even if they’re on the road. Presumably then, the French don’t have the system we have here which allows our Prime Minister to send a noisy phone alert to everyone on a lovely summer’s day, telling them not to have a barbecue.