Presented pursuant to the Pearson Method™
The Ale Gang
Inquiry Report
A rigorous, data-led investigation into the violent, clannish tribal culture endemic to the native British population.
⚠ This is satire
Every conclusion in this document is deliberately, obviously absurd. No, we do not believe that 34 million Britons are members of violent tribal gangs. This document exists to make one point. It takes the exact statistical method used to produce the “250,000 victims” figure in Rupert Lowe’s Rape Gang Inquiry Report, applies it to white British people, and shows that the method will “prove” literally anything you want it to. If the method is worthless here, it was worthless there. The real, non-satirical point is at the very bottom. Please read it.
Executive Summary
Applying the peer-reviewed methodology of Lord Pearson of Rannoch, as faithfully reproduced in the Rape Gang Inquiry Report, this inquiry conservatively estimates that a minimum of 34 million native white Britons are members of violent, drink-fuelled tribal gangs. This figure is probably an underestimate.
We further find that this behaviour is not incidental but cultural, rooted in the clannish, backward-looking value system of the native population, encoded in their sacred texts. The British state has known this for decades and has covered it up to avoid being called racist against its own founding population.
Headline finding
34,000,000
Probably an underestimate · same method as 250,000
Methodology: The Pearson Method™
Our figures were derived using the seven-step method that underpins the 250,000 estimate. We reproduce it in full so that readers may verify our rigour. We have changed nothing except the target.
- 01Take one town with a genuinely documented problem.
- 02Assume, without evidence, that every other town in the country is exactly as bad.
- 03Multiply the town’s figure across the entire national population.
- 04Multiply again by an “under-reporting factor” of your own choosing, because the true numbers are always hidden.
- 05Attribute the resulting number to an entire ethnic, national, or religious group.
- 06Round up to a memorable figure.
- 07Announce that this figure is “probably an underestimate.”
A note on our statistics
The local figures below are illustrative and, in the finest tradition of the methodology we are parodying, have been selected to make the sums work. This is not a flaw in our report. It is the entire methodology.
The Case Studies
Case Study One
pop. 250,000The Football Town
(chosen, with a wink, to match Rotherham exactly)
In a single season it records 1,400 football-related arrests, ejections and reports of disorder (a figure selected for the same reason Lord Pearson selected his). Apply a conservative under-reporting multiplier of ten and extrapolate across England’s 57 million.
Case Study Two
pop. 170,000The Seaside Resort on a Bank Holiday
(selected to match Telford, naturally)
Over one bank-holiday weekend it records mass public intoxication, brawling and disorder requiring additional policing. Extrapolated nationally and adjusted for the well-known reluctance of the British to admit how much they had to drink.
Case Study Three
pop. 152,000The City Centre on a Saturday Night
(matching Oxford, for consistency)
A typical Saturday night records alcohol-related A&E admissions, altercations outside licensed premises and public-order incidents. Scaled by the Pearson Method, and remembering that most such incidents never reach a hospital or a police log.
When the totals from all three towns are combined, adjusted for chronic national under-reporting and rounded to a memorable number in the way the method demands, we reach our headline finding: at least 34 million native Britons are members of violent tribal gangs. As stated, this is probably an underestimate.
Cultural Analysis: It Is All in Their Texts
Critics will object that this is merely criminal behaviour by a minority, and has nothing to do with the wider culture. We reject this, for the same reason the Rape Gang Inquiry Report rejects it. The native tribes gather weekly in vast numbers to chant in unison. Their anthems openly celebrate defiance, territorial dominance and refusal to surrender. Their most sacred spaces, the terraces and the public houses, are organised entirely around tribal loyalty, exactly the “clannish” failure the report identifies in others.
We quote several of these texts in our full report. As with the original methodology, we would have to look them up to give you the precise references, but rest assured they exist and they are damning. That an analogy was used, once, by one individual, is proof of what an entire population believes. This is a sound inferential principle, or at least it was when the Rape Gang Inquiry Report used it.
Recommendations
In line with the proportionate, measured recommendations of the report we are honouring, this inquiry calls for:
- ▪The mass deportation of the 34 million individuals identified, to a destination to be confirmed.
- ▪Automatic loss of citizenship for anyone found to support a football club.
- ▪A permanent ban on the native population entering city centres after 6pm.
- ▪The death penalty in the most extreme cases, such as away fixtures.
- ▪Mandatory recording of ethnicity and drinking habits in all future policing.
We accept that these measures are severe. But when 34 million of your countrymen are members of violent tribal gangs, according to a number we have just invented, difficult decisions must be made.
End of document · turn the lights on ↓
Everything above is nonsense. You know it is nonsense.
No serious person could read the figure “34 million” as anything other than a joke. Now hold that reaction in your mind, because every single step we used to reach it is a real step used to reach the figure of 250,000 in Rupert Lowe’s Rape Gang Inquiry Report.
We took one town’s data and pretended it represented the whole country.
In the Rape Gang Report
The 250,000 figure began as Lord Pearson scaling Rotherham’s 1,400 across all of Britain.
We took a number that measured one thing and relabelled it as something narrower and more damning.
In the Rape Gang Report
Rotherham’s 1,400 counts every kind of child sexual exploitation, of every background, by every abuser. It was relabelled “white girls raped by Muslim gangs.”
We invented an “under-reporting multiplier” to inflate the number at will.
In the Rape Gang Report
So did they.
We attributed individual crimes to an entire culture and its “sacred texts.”
In the Rape Gang Report
So did they, which is how “various Hadiths” were blamed on the biggest podcast in the world for a line that comes from one condemned 2006 sermon and appears in no hadith at all.
We rounded up and called it “probably an underestimate.”
In the Rape Gang Report
Those are Lord Pearson’s exact words.
This is not a clever trick we invented. Full Fact has debunked the 250,000 figure. The MP whose “one million” estimate Pearson cited has called her own number “completely unreliable.” The 2022 statutory inquiry said it is “simply not possible to know the scale.” Even Piers Morgan called it “massively exaggerated.”
And here is the part that is not funny at all.
If you actually want to know who commits most child sexual abuse in Britain, the answer is in the government’s own evidence, and the report buries it. The Home Office’s 2020 research found that group-based offenders are most commonly white. IICSA found that most known perpetrators are young white men. The overwhelming majority of child sexual abuse happens inside families and online, and most of it never surfaces at all. The very method that “proves” a quarter of a million girls were raped by Muslims is the method that hides this.
ThereisonerealdifferencebetweenthisdocumentandtheRapeGangReport.
We told you ours was made up.
⚠ Still satire
This document does not represent NewsCord’s view of British people, football fans, or anyone who enjoys a drink. It represents NewsCord’s view of a statistical method. That method is rubbish, and it is being used to justify real hatred against real people.